my similar top + similar skirt || hayden’s similar skirt
Miscarriage. Just hearing the word brings up so many emotions for me. It has been years since we went through ours, but the emotions as I try to write this out can still be so raw. Today is Pregnancy + Infant Loss Awareness Day, and as I saw that on the calendar, I knew I needed to share. I am hoping if it just helps one person, it was worth the tears and heartache of reliving it. So here we go.
If you asked me when we first started having kids, I never could’ve imagined how lonely going through a miscarriage would be. And yet now I know that pain, because I’ve been through 3. My life has been changed immensely from these events, and I feel the mercy of my Heavenly Father and the tenderness of my heart change towards anyone who has ever struggled with this.
Before I get into the details, I do want to say, we were so extremely blessed in being able to get pregnant right away with our first three little people. And I know that is a huge blessing. I never had experienced anything hard in this area before, and infertility was honestly something I knew nothing about. I had loved being pregnant and never skipped a beat with the first 3 babes. Life was great and we couldn’t wait to add number 4!
Shortly after Hayden, I had been begging Joe for another baby. I just knew the time was right and “I” was so ready. Joe on the other hand was overwhelmed with Anesthesia Residency and was not ready to add another little one yet. So we waited another year. During that year I started to feel uneasy about trying for another baby, like something was going to happen or go wrong. The feeling never left me, but I kept telling myself I was getting worked up for nothing. We will be fine.
In November of 2013, my youngest sister got married. After the beautiful ceremony we hugged each other, and I of course was bawling in disbelief that my baby sister was this old. While we were hugging, she asked if I had just had a miscarriage recently, because she kept having this feeling about it. I was shocked! We hadn’t even started trying and in the moment, I knew it was coming. It was almost like Heavenly Father was trying to prepare me for what I thought would be only ONE miscarriage.
Fast forward to January 2014. We were finally ready to start trying. I was beyond nervous and just knew this was going to be one of my trials in life. The end of March came and we lost our first baby. Nobody can ever prepare you for the pain, emotion, and feeling of loneliness that comes with a miscarriage. It was so beyond raw I thought to myself, there is no way I can get past this. I kept thinking, you knew this was going to happen so why are you having the hardest time.
It didn’t help that Joe was on a 24 hr shift and I was miscarrying while trying to get the three little people fed and ready for bed by myself. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming, but I was trying so hard to hold it all back until the little people were in bed. I really didn’t want to alarm them or let them know something was wrong.
The night was long and lonely. We still hadn’t told anyone we were pregnant so I felt like I couldn’t even call my mom. We always wait a really long time before we tell anyone we’re expecting. The next night Joe was still on a really bad shift. I couldn’t hold it in and lost it after the kids were down. I couldn’t get my feelings in check, so the phone call to my mom happened. She listened to me cry for hours and all I could think was that I wanted my mom there right then to physically hold me and take this excruciating pain away. It was truly like my heart had physically broken in two, and a feeling I will never forget.
April 2014, we decided to try again. As broken as I was, I told myself I could do it. There was no way I was going to have a second miscarriage. The first month we try, not pregnant. And I thought, wait, this hasn’t ever happened to me before, what is going on? (which shows you how easy it typically was for me to get pregnant) Second month of trying, I know we are pregnant, but I refuse to take a pregnancy test. I am full of this sick feeling of not trusting my body. If I take the test, then it is real and the chance of losing another becomes reality. I make a doctors appointment, but still won’t allow myself to take the test.
It’s is now June and I start spotting. The panic sets in. Of course it’s two days before my doctors appointment. I try talking myself out of it. This was so not happening again. But it did, and again Joe was on a 24hr shift. It was a little different this time, because instead of the instant heart break, I pushed it aside and never dealt with it, because “maybe” I wasn’t pregnant. I never took “the test”, right? So I went to my doctor’s appointment two days later and it was a miscarriage. But I still push it aside.
After our second miscarriage, we decided we would try just one more time. I wasn’t sure I emotionally would be able to handle another loss, but at the same time I knew we just weren’t done having kids. I knew there was still one more baby that was supposed to come to us. We got pregnant once again, and once again I was scared out of my mind. But I stayed hopeful. This time I told my mom right away and had her swear to not tell a soul.
Mid August we headed on a family trip to Hawaii including my parents and siblings. I was feeling confident this pregnancy would stick. I was almost 12 weeks and thinking I was just about to that “safe” stage. Somehow the pregnancy came out while we were hiking one day on the trip. My sisters both flipped along with my dad and the realization started to set in for me, that this might really happen. I still didn’t want my kids to know, but somehow they overheard later that day. Their screams of excitement + happiness I will never forget. It was such a sweet moment and I just knew our baby was finally coming to us.
We got home from Hawaii and I could hardly wait for my first doctors appointment in two weeks. Two weeks came and so did the spotting. I was devastated. I was 14 weeks and having a miscarriage yet again. And you guessed it, my luck happened and once again Joe was on 24 hr call. I honestly was starting to lose my faith in God. How could this happen 3 times + my husband not be here for any of them? What had I done wrong to have to go through this? After 3 consecutive days of seeing the doctor she decided a D&C was the only way to go, since I had not yet passed the baby. I was still in shock that this was happening. It was like I was stuck in this dark hole and I’d never be able to get out.
The day of surgery came + the pain inside made my whole body ache. Walking up to the mother and baby unit was the worst. I lost it. Knowing I was there losing my baby and all the other women were there holding their new sweet little ones, broke me. I couldn’t help but feel so bitter and upset. I didn’t want to feel this way and that hurt me even more.
The week after the D&C was a long week. For some reason my mom was not able to come down and Joe had to go back to work the next day. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to wake up because then I would have to feel, and I was worried about being alone again. But then something happened. I had been praying harder then I have ever prayed before. I prayed daily, even hourly that the bitterness would go away. That I could just feel some sort of comfort and be grateful for the three little people I had.
My soul still yearned for that baby, but I could soon feel the comfort of my Heavenly Father like I have never felt before. It was like I knew I was supposed to go through this so that I could feel what so many other women feel. So I could truly feel that sympathy and be there for others that have had to deal with this same thing. The love we received from family members, friends near and far (some that I had never meet in person), and church members was beyond any other love I had felt. My heart was so filled with the love and compassion that others had shown me and my family. I was staring to see the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father and I was filled with peace for those next few days.
Fast forward a few months later. We took a break, started doing our research, and working with the doctors bi-weekly. Once again we were pregnant, but this time we felt ready. This current pregnancy started out as TWINS, but we lost one. I was torn, confused, and frustrated. But once again the Lord was there to get us through it. We were finally blessed with our sweet Houston.
Reliving these memories are never easy for me, and the overwhelming ache still comes back when I think about that time. But I have come to realize that I am not alone. There are a lot of other women going through this same thing, or still dreaming of getting that positive pregnancy test. My heart aches for you as I now know the pain and loneliness that comes along with miscarriage. I am just so grateful to other women who shared their stories. The comfort it brought me in those dark moments I can never thank them enough. I am hoping that our story can help comfort maybe just one person going through this difficult time in their life. Know that I am praying for you nightly and think about you daily and you are not alone.
It took us two years of trying, 1 miscarriage at 12 weeks, 1 chemical, and 3 iui’s but my 4 month baby girl is currently sleeping in her crib. God is good! Something I learned is that miscarriages are fairly common but no one wants to talk about it. I felt so much better after I did and I admire your strength to do the same. Our family is just getting started and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to relax in a pregnancy. Thanks for sharing!!!! Good luck these last few weeks! May it be as boring as it can be!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Congrats on you baby girl, and I appreciate you sharing your experience with me.
I know we don’t know each other from Adam, but your post here has made feel an immediate bond.
It’s so hard to write about these things. I am bawling reading yours.
I have been blessed with 6 gorgeous babies, but they came along with 7 miscarriages. The hardest part was having faith. Faith that my promptings for more children were right. Faith that the Lord truly knew how much I could handle. Because I didn’t think I could SO many times.
But we pushed through. And now my arms and heart are beyond full.
I know that someday, when I get to pass those pearly gates, those 7 babes of mine are there waiting. And they helped usher my earthly babes through too.
I have no doubt your beautiful lost souls are waiting for you too.
Your sweet comment made me cry. I am so sorry for your losses, and thank you for reaching out. It’s always nice to connect to another mother/women who has gone through this. Thank you again.
Kailee… I’m so sorry to hear you and through this but thankful you decided to share such a personal story. So many of us experience this loss. Each with our own story and grief process but all comforted by the fact that we aren’t alone. Like you, it took me a while to share our story. And, like you, if it helps just one other woman feel less one… then I’m glad I finally wrote it down. Hugs!
Honey, my heart goes out to you. I’ve struggled in the same way. I have five daughters and I’ve conceived easily every time but lost eight babies, including a twin in my current pregnancy. Faith and prayer certainly saw me through it all too.
Thank you for being brave enough to write about your experiences.
I am so sorry for your 8 little ones loss + I so appreciate you talking the time to comment. Thank you for your sweet words.
Thank you so much for sharing! My heart just breaks for you! I am so encouraged and uplifted for your strength! After 3 miscarriages to try again takes so much faith!!! More then I think I could ever muster! I’m not sure I could even put my kids through it again! (I was totally showing both times so my kids were beyond thrilled) and to see them hurt is even more heartbreaking!
I like you feel like this trial is to teach me countless life lessons- it truly has changed me! I finally feel like I can say I am grateful for these trials because I am a better person and way more aware of my countless blessings and others needs…. I have learned lessons I could no other way learn.
I am so excited for you guys and to be ending on a happy note and complete your family! There truly is nothing more wonderful then having another baby!
Love ya!
Mickell Westbrook
Ps have you ever heard the poem “Angel mother”. Email me your email address if not and I’ll send you it! It’s been an amazing source of comfort to me!
Mickellwestbrook@msn.com
Hey Kailee! My name is Bec, and I’m reading this after seeing your Instagram post with the link to this blog, come up in my news feed! I’m not a follower of yours on Instagram, but I read this blogpost, and I just want to thank you for sharing your story of trial and faith! Miscarriage is so heartbreaking, and changes who we are as wives and mother’s, and by sharing, you have certainly helped many out there, who are having similar struggles! I love reading blogs or articles written by strong and intelligent women, who want to strengthen and uplift others. And that is what you’ve done. All the best for a safe and happy birth of #4!
All the way from Victoria, Australia! Xx
I am so sorry to hear your story and thank you so much for sharing! It is such a hard road to go down and so nice to hear someone else’s story and makes you feel not alone in the struggle.
We hve been trying for a year and a half now and not a sign of pregnancy to be had. My sister struggled to fall pregnant too and I was scared that the same would happen to us. 3 months into trying we found 3 large ovarian cysts. They were removed anoher 3 months later. We have been struggling with the recovery from all of that and have been trying so hard since then totally pregnant, but it’s just not happening. All the while I see friends and family falling pregnant left right and centre from trying for less than a few months.
I just want you to know you have touched me and helped me. Everyone’s struggle is different, but at least we have each other.
I’m in tears reading your story and am in shock I am how common miscarriages really are. I had first miscarriage right after Thanksgiving, I was 8 weeks went in for my first ultra sound to find the baby’s heart stopped. I was so devisated and heart broken. My husband and I kept faith and decited to try again, four months later we were pregnant again. My dr wanted to keep track of the pregnancy and follow it every week. I went in every week for blood draws to be told my levels weren’t normal and to prepair for the worst, not something I found comfort in hearing. At my six week two days they did an ultra and I herd the baby’s heart beat, at that moment I was able feel a bit of relief. But to only be told I had a subdurmal heme ridge and that it cold go either way. I went home to take an easy, but with a 7 yr old and a 1 yr old and a husband who works long hours, taking an easy is almost on possible for me. The next day I started bleeding and was so hurt and heart broken knowing I was losing the baby once again. After the second miscarriage my husband and I decided we would wait until the end of the yr before we would try again. After the second I was waiting to start my first period, well it never came and only a month after my second miscarriage I’m pregnant again. I’m so scared at the though of losing the baby again. I had my first ultra sound today to confirm I am 6 weeks and 2 days and again I have another hem ridge, keeping hopes and praying that everything works out this time around. Reading your story gives me hope. And I’m sure you’ll make it to the end pregnancy to welcome a healthy beautiful baby into your loving arms hope everything works out for you. God bless you and you family
kailee I’ve been following you for so long. Your family is amazing and your posts on IG are always so beatiful. It’s hard for me to imagine you ever not smiling. I wish I could express how grateful I am to you for sharing this. I am dealing with a loss right now also and I can relate so much to your honesty about how you feel. I’ve been afraid to pray and afraid to talk to anyone because I feel like the healing process might hurt worse than the grieving right now. Anyway mama thanks again for sharing and I’m so so sorry for your loss. Can’t wait to see your beatiful rainbow babe soon though. –Jamie @mamazuniga
Your comment brought me to tears. Thank you so much for sharing your loss with me. I promise in time it WILL get better. Don’t give up hope and know that I am praying for you.
Congrats on this pregnancy! Miscarriage is so hard and it feels lonely and it feels like no one understands. I had a miscarriage in 2013 at the same time my Twin sister got pregnant and we were due 2months from each other. I lost the baby and she got to keep hers! I was jealous and angry and sad! I didn’t think it was fair! I was so happy for her but I had to ask why me. Looking back at that time in my life it was hard. Heavenly Father really has a plan for everything in our lives. I put all my trust in him and Well, I got pregnant 3months later and now have a 15month old daughter. Oh & I’m pregnant again (15wks) I pray everyday that I get to carry this baby full term and deliver a healthy baby! Thank you for sharing your story.
I loved reading your experience with miscarriage I also can relate to you because i have 2 healthy kids whome are five and six years old.
We thought we can try for third one and we got pregnant, unfortunetly i had miscarriage
Thank you for being honest and sharing your experience
You have no idea who I am, but I followed you to try to win something. But then I just read this post, first time amongst your blog. I have had 5 beautiful children. After baby #2 I miscarried at 7-8 weeks, and then I had my second beautiful son baby #3, he was beautiful but due to a fatal heart defect, loved only 44 days. It was the hardest trial I’ve ever endured, but then I had two more beautiful sons and have been completely blessed. So now I have had 4 boys and 1 girl! We miss our son every single day. Well last November I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks… it was terrible. A couple months later we are excited to be pregnant. We were almost 12 weeks, so we announced…. well at 13 weeks, I miscarried again. I am at that point where I have such faith that we have another spirit that is to come to us. I’m terrified of having another. I have an appointment to talk about progesterone options in a couple weeks. I would love love love to hear what you ended up doing ♡《I needed some hope and maybe someone who speaks out about loss, like myself, Thank you! 》
Thank you ladies for this forum. I just suffered my first miscarriage after an IVF Transfer of an embryo that was genetically tested and shown as normal. I am 43 and married later in life. I had 2 previous egg retrievals with abnormal embryos we didn’t implant. I feel sad, lonely and helpless. Hearing other women’s stories is helping me push through the darkness.
As women we suffer so much and don’t often talk about it. I won’t give up but the IVF journey is a lonely and hard road. I appreciate all of your stories. It gives me hope and comfort I am not alone.
Oh Kailee!! I had no idea. What an incredibly brave woman you are. I take my hat off to you. You are a wonderful mother and deserve that beautiful family you have. I didn’t have a miscarriage but it did take us almost 2 years to conceive our son. The heart-break and devastation after every negative pregnancy test is nothing that can be explained.
Know you are not alone. I may be over the other side of the world in Australia, but I follow your blog everyday and love everything you post. You are a true role-model for your gorgeous children and just an all round wonderful person.
Have a lovely day
Maree
Thank you for praying for me and for seeing my hurt. I am so discouraged and scared to try again. I am asking the Lord to comfort me…Thank you.
Wow.. This was a very tough read.. I was having a hard time reading it all. I had miscarriage #2 yesterday.. At 15:03 the pains intensely started.. I remembered the pains from my last miscarriage that was chemically done; this was natural.. I was and am still feeling SOOOO ANGRY! I feel as if I was liked to, robbed, tricked. I am a very strong believer; Christ is the head of my life; I had dreams prior to even conceiving.. And here we are today.. Baby gone.. I CANNOT do this again.. I was walking in faith .. Told my husband.. Be believed.. Angry, heartbroken and feel sooo very alone. I have 1 beautiful 4 yr old.. I should be greatful.. Which I am.. But am I not allowed to have 2 ?? Sorry I am soooooo sorry to sound soooooo bitter.. When I hear 4,5,6,7,8 miscarriage.. Good Lord.. I pray that you’re hearts will be filled with joy and unmerited favor in due season.
Oh Marie!! I am so so sorry for your loss. I completely understand what you are going through and know that I am prying for you. You have every right to feel bitter and angry but please don’t let it change your heart. I promise it will be hard but I promise it will get better and you will be even stronger then you are now. Hang in there!!
Thank you for sharing your experience … It feels better to know that I am not the only one … I am supposed to be 9 weeks plus preg but was just told last Monday that I am having a missed miscarriage … everything seemed fine but there is no heartbeat and it was confirmed again on Thursday … I opted to wait for it to happen naturally but will have to go to hospital within a week if it does not. This is my first miscarriage and I am already blessed with a 1year 9month daughter …. …. I am aware that the sadness and pain I feel is normal but I am feeling this loss of hope and sad feeling that now, whatever happens, even if we have more children or not, our family can never be whole, like whatever we do there should have been someone else with us that will never be … My husband seems to be taking it much better than myself which I know is more than normal and understandable but is already talking about trying for another baby and I don’t know if I ever would want to try again … the loss feels too overwhelming and I can’t get myself to be okay with the fact that our family can never be whole now bcos someone else should have been here with us … I know God knows best and I do believe that everything He allows is for a reason but after this I just feel that hoping for good things and being optimist is just being naive. I admire strong people like you … if there is any insight you can share on how to be ‘okay’ with the fact that a family can never be whole after something like that wud be much appreciated.
I have been a long time follower and love watching your growing family. This post has really touched me and have read it many times. The first time I had read it I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant and now that I am married and wanting kids it is hitting home. My husband and I had been trying for over a year and eventually did our first round of IUI, it worked but I was still nervous. Yesterday we found out we miscarried and totally devastated. I had a feeling something was wrong but did not want to acknowledge it. This morning the only thing I wanted to do was read this blog post to not feel alone. Thank you for putting yourself out there to help others.
Oh I am so so sorry for the pain I know you are going through. My misacarriages were some of the hardest and lowest points of my life, but I know you will pull through. Prayers + love for you!
Kailee I haven’t been reading your blog very long but I just found this post and I am so sorry you went through this. Thank you for being willing to share your story. It’s such a shame that miscarriage and infant loss is not discussed very much.
I had the easiest first two pregnancies ever. We started for baby 3 in July 2015 and had three miscarriages. At 11 weeks, 9 weeks, and 10 weeks. My husband and I were devastated. My husband was ready to say that if the next try didn’t work he would not do it again out of fear and grief. I guess, like you, something changed in my body and I can no longer stay pregnant on my own. We finally went to a fertility dr. I was tested for everything they could think of, it all came back normal, so they medicated me for everything they could think of anyway. I got pregnant in 2017 and we now finally have our precious baby number 3. I also spent the entire pregnancy checking for blood at every trip to the bathroom. Every day I look at him and feel so grateful he is alive and healthy. Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m certain you’ve helped and comforted many people.
Noelle! Thank you so much for your sweet words! I hate that you’ve been through this pain as well, but think its so important to be able to share and create a support system! Sending all my love to you and your precious miracle babe!
Kailee,
I just wAnted To say THank you for being so brave and honest about something so persoNal. I was in teArs reading your post. I’m so sorry that you had to experience this pain. I too believe that we are meant to go through trials so that we can leArn compassion and help others when They go through their own. Thank you for sharing your sTory.
Ashley
I am so sorry about your losses. I know all too well how difficult each one is. my husband and I tried for years to get pregnant, only to find out that we struggled with infertility. we went through treatments, IUI, a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage/D&E, and one round of IVF to have our first daughter in 2016. When we decided to start trying for our second, we thought we understood what the issues were, but it took three rounds of IVF treatment to have our second daughter in 2019.
After years of being unable to get pregnancy without fertility treatment, we found out we were pregnant naturally in December 2019, only to have another miscarriage/D&E just before Christmas. That D&E resulted several months of issues before my levels finally returned to normal. Then, in July 2020, we found out we were pregnant again naturally, but after hearing a heartbeat at 7 weeks, the heartbeat disappeared at our 8 week appointment – another D&E.
I believe that we are destined to have three children, and we are getting ready to try one more round of IVF in the next month. Unfortunately, IVF is extremely costly, and I don’t know that we will be able to afford more than that. I also don’t know that my heart can handle the devastation that comes with the miscarriages and failed fertility treatment.
Pregnancy loss and fertility treatment are such lonely processes, and unfortunately, unless you have been through one/both, it is so hard to understand. With each round of treatment and each loss, a little piece of my heart went with it. I am beyond blessed to have my two little girls, but I worry that I will always be disappointed that we couldn’t have more if this last round doesn’t work out.
Thank you for sharing your story and helping to normalize this conversation and these feelings. It means so much to the rest of us.
Thank you for
Sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the lose you went through. One of the Reasons im drawn to you is the grace you show everyday To Your faMily and so many other people. ❤️❤️ Catie bizon
thank you so much for sharing. You are amazing!! I felt so many of these feelings when I had three miscarriages. It was heartbreaking.
ThaNk you from the bottom of my heart so much for sharing your story for those of us who still cannot or don’t know how. I am grateful for you.
ThaNk you for sHaring your story!i know it will help many other women! I have 3 BEAUTIFUL BABIES but also have gone through 4 MISCARRIAGES and know it is not easy.